Friday, August 20, 2010

The Weekend once again

Wow its already the weekend it seems like it shows up really fast lately. Well i never did see that guy he acted like he wanted to meet and then he quit texting me oh well if it was meant to happen it would have. I got alot done today i had 4 hours of a nap after being up all nite farming and what not. Got most of the dishes done and some laundry and tomorrow i'll be babysitting the kids and then have my meeting with job corp. The other guy messaged me today but hasn't talked about meeting we talked about some of his church people. Its funny to me how i can know things about other people and yet no one really knows me. Of course i really don't know myself either the loan places have picked up again on calling david but i will take care of it for him if they call and i'm a wake. I've had tons of energy and don't know where its coming from but i think i will sleep i need as much energy as i can get even tho i'm pumped full of it. *Sigh* life is boring and here lately i haven't had any dreams that are worth remembering. I have casted a prosperity spell so hopefully things turn up better for us. I'm been listening to my mp3 player non stop pretty much for a few days and i think it has helped with my mood cause its all been happy songs and if i hear a depressing song i feel myself slippign in to it and i change it even tho i like the song i just can't handle it. Well good nite i think i'm done for tonight. "Seasons of Love"

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Tuesday into Wednesday

Well lets see i missed blogging last night i was to tired and not much going on same ol' same ol'. I did get to bed early and i woke up around 12ish so that was nice but i didn't want to get up like usual. I did my normal thing smoke a cig drink a coke and then i got online and did some farming then i went straight to cleaning. I also got i wonderful txt message this morning and thursday i'm going to go meet a guy different guy than before so hopefully something wonderful becomes of it. I got alot of the dishes done before 6 and tomorrow i get to put away and finish cleaning more up. I had the trash all gathered before 5 also which was wonderful normally its like at the last minute it goes out before i go to bed so tonight was really relaxing. The house is getting sick with something daughter isn't feeling well and either is my friend of course she has other things going on as well but off and on thru out this last week i've been feeling weak as well so i'm not sure. On the to do list today besides cleaning is paying bills and therapy and getting things ready for friday with job corp. I'm excited and nervous about it. Tonight i'll probably get to go to bed early to YAY. Farming is about done and so is the vamps then i'm headed to bed cause i'm already blogging while doing the rest so everything is good. I have had a really bad feeling about today something is in the air and i know it has to do with my ex my sixth sense has been going off wildly i wish i knew what he was up to cause it bothers me. Well i dont' know what else to say its funny how i can have a million things on my mind before i write and then when i do i'm blank. oh well well night and good morning to some

Monday, August 16, 2010

Early manic monday

Well once again i'm up way late doing the usual, Farming, vamps, yoville, emails, surveys, and blogging, Today was pretty good i was up until like 5 am then got up around 12 or 1 it wasnt' my choice to get up but oh well. I watched some movies by myself and txted some friends. Then went to the gas station to get cigs came back and friend and the kids were home. Watched some more movies and then she went out to visit the nieghbors and when she came back she said i needed to go over there to see about a phone that could be mine. Well i went over there they were naming some contacts in it and names sounded familar and guess what i looked at it to double check and sure enough it was mine. My old phone my ex had that i lost back in january of this year when i was with him i got really trashy drunk and lost it. I'm pretty sure he's stalking me for the simple fact that the phone he claims was with his ex in columbia and it was lost well i knew it was a lie but i searched all of his stuff and couldnt' find it. He knows where i'm staying or at least visiting. But supposively he's in springfield and has a guy there yet he told another friend that classes hasn't started for school. My heart tells me he has no intentions of school and is with this guy to use him like he does with everyone. So based on that he can't be in two places at once and the phone i checked it hasn't been used all of my settings are the same and it has a full battery. How could it end up here randomly in the neighbors hand who the next door neighbor found in the street on our block? It doesn't make since I strongly believe he's stalking me either to ruin my life or he really cares and wants to be with me but i'm strongly feeling the later part of that thought as well as my friend. The nieghbors are going to keep an eye out for anything suspicous. He ruined my car which my friend is greatly distraut about and saddened about. He stole alot from me and in return i've stolen stuff from him and his ex. An eye for an eye as i see it. It really pissed me off that he could be stalking me. There is no other explination for it showing up except fate was meant for me to have it which is possible. I had a love spell in that phone and in my previous phone but i couldn't get it before someone else got the phone. So is fate giving me a sign about the spell that i should use it but it doens't make sense either cause i'm not ready for a relationship. Anyways thats what has happened i'm going to finish yovill and then go to bed.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Friday the 13th

Well today was ok i woke up late again my friend woke me up at 6 am saying she's late and needs me to do something for her but its ok. Tomorrow i have the kids my farm, vamps, and working on yoville, done my emails, and so duko i'm addicted to it. I cleaned a little today and cooked supper. This will probably be short nothing going on and my mind is not running today. so i guess i'll blog tomorrow and get some sleep.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Well the weekend is here

      Well i woke up around 1pm was not happy about it but i need my sleep after the day before exterting all my energy i still feel drained. I never did meet my friend when friend got home she convinced me a little bit not to go but i had a feeling not to go so i went with my feeling. I'm glad i didn't go cause he sent me an email around 5 apologizing for not showing up i emailed back and said it was ok that i didn't go that i had a feeling not to so i didn't. I came up with a budget and the rest of the month is going to be hard finacially but next month looks good alot of money to play around with. Didn't have any dreams that i can remember which means no message. I guess thats good in a way. I can't believe its 3 am cause it feels later than that. I've taken care of my farm, vamps, emails, yoville, and now i'm blogging. I'm really tired and not much really happened today i cooked supper it was good.

       I've been thinking, at times its not a really good thing that i think but its been about life. I got a call today from job corp and i have a meeting next friday. But what i've been thinking about is i'm not sure if i really want to go now. I want to in hopes of following my dreams and making something of myself and improving my life but, I don't think i can leave my friend and the kids. Just thinking about it, it hurts i'm going to miss them badly 4yr old calls me dad and i look at both kids as my own even tho they may not be blood but i want to see them grow up i want to be in thier lives. If i do go to job corp i'm not sure how long i'll be gone and friend needs my help here. I've always been told to look after myself and take care of me but its hard I want to help others before myself in anyway i can. Its something i will have to seek guidance in with in myself and my counselor and talk to my friend about. At times when i want to do something she'll encourage me to do it even if its not really the best thing at the time. Looking at the budget she needs help she can't make it on her own and i don't want to see anything bad happen to any of them. Idk like i've said i need extreme guidance. Another way i can see it if i do get accepted then it means i could be meant to go if i get declined then i see it as i'm not supposed to go and there is a purpose for me here and i already know part of that purpose. Well before i just start sleeping at the desk i better end on this and get to sleep. Nite and sleep well.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Busy day coming to an end

         Well i stayed up until 8 this morning got practicly all the laundry done, slept for about 5 hours, went to get medical records, then had counseling at 5. It went pretty well we discussed my bills issue and how the loans keep harassing me and said i should come up with a budget and sounds great and all but i've been kinda working on it and it just looks so hard to pull large amounts out of my ass to pay them.I'm going to keep working on it and i'll figure something out i normally do. He said that i've gotten to a better place than what i was when i first started going and its been what i think 3 months or so. But its great that i'm at a better place in my life than what i was. Some issues i wanted to talk about i just could bring them up which the way i see it is it wasnt' meant to  talk about. Well tonite i've checked my emails, i'm working on my farm and blogging. Thats pretty much on my agenda tonight.

       Tomorrow i'll be hanging out with a new friend we'll see how things go on that. I met him thru my ex so who knows it could be a really good friendship. I think i'm going to start a dream dairy and at the end of every week look back and interpet them to see what may come of it. There was so much i wanted to vent and express but rite now it feels like its not meant to be expressed. I'm trying more and more to rely on my heart and follow it than to use my head and get in trouble by it. Well i think i'm going to close with that and i'll be back on tomorrow to blog again. "Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again"

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Reflection since my last blog

         Ok so this may be a short one i'm not sure since my last blog on july 26th on fb things have been going well with therapy. I'm still battling a thing called cleaning house since last month was really rough nothing was getting done but since then laundry is slowly getting caught up and since tonight well this morning i have so much ambition and moderate energy since i organized my cds and movies i decided to stay up and do laundry its not so noise with the house asleep so i won't wake them up. The kitchen is looking a little better i still have lots of dishes todo but i'll do them later after everyone is out doing there daily things. I haven't really talked to my parents lately i kinda feel bad i do miss them but i just don't know really what to say we don't see eye to eye its like talking to a different species at times. Today i have therapy and have to get some medical records from my dr. and finish what i can of the house not sure when i'll go to bed but oh well the way i feel right now i'll sleep when i'm dead. There is so much i want to do in the house of organizing it and cleaning it but it takes time. Anyways where was i, i do notice i tend to skip around alot and at times i can talk about several things at a time and actually complete them but i guess i may be getting a little tired. Anyways again not a whole lot has changed since my last blog doing the same thing pretty much. But to update as of here lately I have been have strange dreams and when i was at therapy last we talked about it and when i told my parents they assumed it had to be the food i ate the night before but wrong they are there is meaning when i dream cause i don't have dreams very often. Here lately its been quite frequently and my therapist gave what he thought could be the meaning and when i went to interepet myself sure enough he was right. I still need to go back and write short hand the interpetation of it and the ones i've had recently and tell him and see what he thinks. Wow so much for short but there is so much on my mind and if its important it will come to me and be written. As it does say in my profile that i am gay but kinda bi curious and thats one thing my parents don't agree with because of the bible and its that very reason i don't believe the bible. My faith my belief is in the pagan ways I'm still studing and learning i'm not much practicing at the moment but i'm learning. I have been going to church except this last sunday i need to get out and socialize and see familiar faces but it seems there may be something greater for it i'm i people watcher and it gives me time to also spend with my family on the weekends and feel like i'm a part of something. Deep down i don't feel like i have a family because i'm not accepted except for my friend who i help with her kids and clean for her and help her out. But when it comes to my beliefs its a subject i could go on for hours which i won't. But as for my friend i love her as friend I can talk to her about pretty much anything and at times it feels like we are in a relationship but its a non sexual relationship and back awhile ago i was talking to an ex friend of mine about finding someone to be in this type of relationship and i happen to be in one we live two seperate lives yet i feel like we are one we are both there for emotional support and i help her with the bills and the house. I feel happy about it and it hurts me when i go anywhere for long periods of time away from her and the kids. Well i'm thinking that i'm going to close this now and end my thoughts on that i heard the dryer a while ago and need to take care of it and do some other things. "So merry meet and merry part and merry meet again"