Thursday, March 31, 2011

MIA for 3 days.... :(

Well i've been MIA for three days i've been pretty much sleeping most of my days away and when i'm up i have alot on my mind or to me its alot. i've been sleeping so much ive been pretty much depressed. I need to make a list of things i want to talk to the dr about tomorrow when i see him. I didn't have counseling today cause he was sick so i got food from one food bank and took dad to work and been cleaning my computer up so it runs faster. I bought a chair for my room so i'm not always sitting in bed. I've been kinda hurt and depressed cause i'm beginning to realize that not much is going on in my life and i don't talk to that many people anymore people i called friends don't txt to see how i am or what i'm up to they only txt me when ever i txt them first. Or like my ex he needs something either for me to use the car or for something and its hurting me. It hurts me cause i feel used and unwanted.... :( I've been doing pretty good with surveys. I still have to weed thru them cause my inbox is now having spam and i don't like it. Well i'm going to go start working and what not.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Sunday the end of the weekend....

Well its almost Monday an hour left of Sunday....*Sigh* i've slept pretty much all weekend i don't know why but i have. I haven't really been online much to tired and no energy but now i'm on and i decided i would blog first before i go check my emails and do what i normally do. Its really sad my social life is gone i just don't feel like socializing and when i do i get anxiety attacks. I really don't have much to say so i'm going to go do what i do.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Friday not Saturday

Well I was up until oh about 7am this morning after watching paranormal activity and doing surveys and what not. Got up around 11:30am took my meds and then ate lunch after an hour since i have to take one of my meds on an empty stomach. Last nite i took care of some paper work for disability and mom filled out the third party paper work. Got everything ready for the mail to pick it all up and it can be sent off. Feeling really tired lately and it could be the moon cause we are going in to a new moon and when we were getting in to the full moon i had lots of energy. It could also be the weather its been gray and cold and wet. It could be alot of things that are making me tired. But i'm up now and will probably go to bed sometime tomorrow. I have some things i want to get taken care of like working on my BOS and typing up my recipes and saving them. My ex called twice today but my phone was dead so when i turned it on i had two voice mails and it was him wanting to talk so i called him and he was going on about how he was charged for molestation for three years ago and other shit and wanted me to go to wal mart to drive his car to the house and stuff and told him i didnt have the care and all and the whole time he's talking i'm thinking HA HA HA HA Karma is a bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!! everything i've dealt with or been accused of and shit he's having to go thru with of course i still can't trust wether or not he is telling the truth but eh IDC really i kinda do but yet i don't  mentally i don't but my heart does. I got kind a busy schedule this next week i got counseling like usual and then i have a dr app to follow up on the bipolar. Then in three months i have an app to follow up on my thyroid. Well i'm going to go make some money with surveys work on my play list and take care of what i would like to do.

Ugh Snow...

Well i just got done smoking and checked some emails and its snowing Ugh i'm tired of snow and cold weather. Not much going on wednesday i had counseling and got my lab results back and i have to take calcium and vitamin d and a thyroid regimen. I went to bed early wednesday nite and slept all thru the nite and then got up thursday around almost noon and then went back to bed around 3 and got up around 5 and been up ever since. Hung out with some friends and my sis rented paranormal activity two and watched it by myself and that was scary afterwards my mind is playing tricks on me and its scary so i decided i'll stay in my room until its a little lighter out. I haven't made any money doing surveys since wednesday morning. So i'm going to go and start doing surveys and stuff.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Tuesday...Now wednesday

Well Tuesday felt a like wednesday since i went down stairs and mom wasn't home. I was up all last nite and when i did sleep only got a few hours in and then had supper with family. it was really good had chili which will probably back fire on me sometime tonight but it was really good. i spent two hours that morning talking with mom and it was really nice to spend sometime with her. My ex called me about an hour ago needing my memory of where he has lived with in the past three years. I know better than he knows himself according to him...but who knows. Sitting here listening to Pandora radio and the song is boogie wonderland by EWF awesome group really good song. It makes me want to dance...I think i'm doing pretty well i think i've forgotten to take me meds here lately but really noticing much of a difference. I might be slightly moody but there are three women in the house and pms is contagious i'm pretty easy to feel others moods and then i express them.  Well i'm headed to do my thang online.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Monday not tuesday...

Well yesterday was monday and all day it felt like tuesday :( I hate when days feel like its not the day it is cause if your expecting something then it makes you believe that it will be here sooner and it doesn't happen. Its not like i'm really expecting anything great to happen but eh idk days are all mixed together. Monday i went to bed around 6am and got up about 15 minutes till 1 which i wasn't happy at all i had shit to do at 1 and i know i shouldn't have done it but i sped to my appointment and got that taken care with no cig or food and so when i got out i smoked a cig and called my lawyer and then went to get food and happy hour. I came home i was so tired after only sleeping 6 hours and went back to bed for another two hours and now i feel fine but i'm going to be up for awhile. I know that when i took my nap i had a dream but i can't really remember my dream but i know the dream was good cause i woke myself up J/O. Today was warmer than what its been in awhile up in the 70's i room has felt really warm but i'm glad i have a fan or i'd be miserable. Me and my sis went to the dreaded place to go shopping for chips before we went to get our sandwiches at subway for supper i can't believe how much i spent but yet i can for one we went shopping on an empty stomach and mom didn't seem happy at all but eh she'll deal. I have surveys todo and farming to get done i want to start working on my BOS and work more on my playlist but eh it will get done sooner or later no big rush.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

First day of spring....

Well today is the first day of spring and its absolutely wonderful outside its been nice weather for most of this last week. I got a lot accomplished today finished cleaning my room organized from my bedside table closet on top of my closet and my shelves and locker and the rest of my room organized along with making my bed putting away cloths. Other than that i haven't done much got the dishes loaded cleaned the bathroom and sprayed the boarders room down with disinfectant spray she's been sick for almost a week now. I watched megamind today and it was pretty good. Yesterday i did my laundry and cleaned most of my room then took our boarder to the er cause she's been sick for almost a week and has been throwing up and sounding like an animal with the dry heaves the finally kept her since she keeps coming back for the same thing. she just txted me wanting me to take her charger but i don't have the car so i txted a friend and haven't gotten a reply back yet. So i signed up with about 18 different survey sites and so most of my time is taken up doing surveys. I'm pretty excited about it at least its some type of money i'm making. I had breakfast/lunch with my grandma yesterday had a pretty good time with her came home and made a pot of coffee. i say breakfast/lunch cause i woke up a little after 11am having to go to the bathroom and seen she messaged me on facebook so it was my breakfast but i ate lunch since the time was around lunch. I was sitting outside earlier tonight enjoying the weather and my mind went back to october of last year and then october of the year before that and march of last year and the year before that. I don't know why i get these flashbacks the way i do and normally what triggers these flashbacks is weather, scents, or whatever my senses feel. Then i absentmindedly compare where i'm at in my life and see whats the differences. Well i've drawn a blank of what else to write of whats been going on or what i'm feeling so i'm going to go do my surveys now and hopefully farm.

Friday, March 18, 2011

The beginning of the weekend

Well i slept from 8 to 5 and then walked to a friends house and saw her new born baby she is so adorable. not very eventful really today i got some exercise today and got the dishes done and now to see how much money i can make tonight doing surveys i made 2 dollars last night early this morning and now i can farm YAY. i haven't heard from my ex since he's been in town so idk whats going on. but i kinda don't care but yet i do. well i've got really nothing else to say so i'm going to go do what i got to do.

Wednesday and thursday...

So wednesday i had counseling and we went over a couple of poems and a song i wrote and it went pretty well. I can't really remember much of wedensday here lately i can't really remember much. Then thursday of what i remember i had my dr. appointment and i told him my concerns for my meds and he said that being hungry all the time is a rock and a hard place that it comes with the meds if it works then deal with it said he doens't see me being on my meds for to long anyways. i told him i was worried about diabetes he said don't worry about it that he's not concerned about it i told him that i sleep 12 plus hours when i sleep and he said that it could be thyroid so i got my blood taken to do some tests. I told him that my knee has been stiff and said that its my weight and when i told him i was applying for disability he pretty much laughed after he asked why and i told him cause of the depression and bipolar and that i'm eligable anyways he said good luck that he doesn't see me getting it. I don't get to really talk to him about what my other diagnosis is what other health problems i've had. It kinda bothers me that i only get to tell him parts. Oh and wednesday night i spent all nite on the phone with my ex to keep him awake while he was driving and then he never did respond to my txt messages later on thursday but oh well i kinda dont care but yet i hate being ignored. I came home after my drs appointment and slept for a few hours then had supper with the fam and then went to wal mart and had a pretty good time. Then i took a walk with my sister before i got to involved online. I signed up with more survey sites and i got a dollar in pay pal just for one survey so i'm pretty excited. I figured that if i'm not working then i could make money online yea it kinda takes some time and doesn't pay much but here is the kicker if i have tons of surveys i could make some money to keep me satisfied until i see whats happening with disability. Later today since its now friday that i'm writing this i'm going to see a friend of mine she had her baby and see whats surprised me is i didn't really know she was prego i've heard it talked about but didn't really know so at least i get to socialize. Its been awhile since i've done that really my social life since moving back in with mom and dad has died down i don't really txt my friend likes i did when i lived with that no good using woman that i called friend and co worker. it still kind ticks me off that i was played like a fool but of course i can only blame myself. I finally got all my cds on my computer so now i can go thru see which ones i want on my mp3 player and on my computer and delete the ones i can't stand. well i'm going to go do more surveys.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Monday MIA...

Well its monday another day of another week...*sigh* Well its been 5 days taking my new meds the dr put me on i'm sleeping a little more not feel as depressed or having the feeling i want to cut myself been feeling kinda mellow i guess. Not feeling really happy and on a high like i would like but yet i'm not feeling so depressed like i was either. I have a lot to talk to the dr about with this medication. I've been MIA on blogging just haven't felt like it after i get done with my other online stuff but life goes on i got the poems printed off like i was asked to by my counselor i still need to print off my blogs though he said something about the ones that means something to me. I talked to mom a few days ago i think she asked me how life is and i told her that it sucks and she's like yea it does but i mentioned about how at times i want to cry but can't that i can't bawl like i used to but instead at the end of the day when i'm laying in bed my eyes will just run but i can't cry. i call it silent crying its where i cry inside all day but i can't cry outwards but at times i just want to cut myself to release my pain i feel inside to make myself cry and when i told her that i don't actually do it but i want to she said i need to tell my counselor if i haven't and i told her i haven't i don't really think about it when i see him. My meds i'm taking makes me tired as hell and the first day i took it during the day i took a nap and so i decided that i would take it at nite and yet i'm still tired during the day and take a nap and then i'm up until 3 or 4 in the morning and then i sleep all day. Its another thing i need to talk to the dr about sleepy during the day, hungry all the time like i haven't eaten anything at all, it may cause diabetes which my grandpa on moms side has diabetes so its not something i want to get it will be life altering. i'm applying for disability i have an appointment on the 21st i need to call my lawyer tomorrow and let her know about another dr to add to the list and meds and what he said i have. Its kinda weird i haven't been online today until now i have farming to do and see if i have any surveys and see if i can cash in for anything yet. I feel kinda bad cause i haven't really talked to any of my friends like i used to since i moved in with mom and dad. i haven't heard from larry for a few  weeks i should probably txt him tomorrow. I haven't talked to kim since i saw her in wal mart she said that the block misses me or at least her and her dad. I still need to check out some colleges and aske them questions mom said i could go to her and ask her what questions i should ask them and then check out the sites and talk to them. since i don't know what i want to do i was told i should go for my general associates degree which is pretty much touching all the basics and a little bit of everything and then decide what i want to do. I know that my degree will have to be something with out science biology chemistry advanced math cause i know i will fail those classes and i know that when it comes to design i got a pretty good grade and i got a good grade in acting even though i didn't put 110 percent in to that class mostly because i didn't turn in some work. i like acting but i don't like being the center of attention and being in front of crowds. i do good not to have a major anxiety attack going in to wal mart. well i think i've out of something to write so going to go do the rest of my online stuff i thought i would post here first since i was MIA.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

In All A Good Day :)

Well i slept pretty much all thru the night got up in time for my dr appointment. I had breakfast with mom and dad it was kinda a downer when i seen it was grey out i thought they said it was going to be sunny and it wasn't this morning :(. I saw the dr and he gave me a sample of a different med and said that i go back in a week said that it sounds like i was miss diagnosed which is a downer i was being treated for depression and he said it sounds like i have bipolar depression. I took my new meds as soon as i got them and i took a nap after i took dad to work and went to wal mart to get some rub for my knee. I then got dad from work and had supper it was pretty good it was a pizza night. Now i'm online farming checking emails doing surveys and what not listening to pandora radio. Not really feeling much just tired which i guess its a good thing since its 8:15.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Tuesday feels like wendsday

Well i didn't get to bed until 5am i haven't been able to fully stay awake to try to go to bed at a decent time but eh oh well. I didn't do what i was planning on doing but its ok there is always tomorrow. I've been working on my farms mostly i'm in an eh bleh mood. I'm glad i'm able to spend my time by myself i don't really feel like being around other people. Going to go finish farming and listening to music.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Monday ugh

Well its monday i learned more about general associates degree and now my job is to start asking questions at different online schools. I have also decided that since i'm not getting any help on my farm that i'm going to create several profiles just to help with my farm. Some say that is sad but i say the only true person to you is yourself. I've already gotten my emails done today and i've made a couple of phone calls that i needed to call and so there isn't much to do now but have fun.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Ah the end of the weekend...

Well the weekend went by fast of course with being unemployed every week goes by fast. I spent yesterday hanging out with my sis and her friends i had fun we burnt pics took pics at the park and just had a good time. I had three energy drinks and was surprised i was asleep and in bed by 2 and i got up at 7 of course i couldn't help that i had to go to the bathroom. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't which was good i started cleaning my room and doing my weekly cleaning with my room. I'm pretty OCD cause i make sure its completely sanitized and i rearrange my room about every 2-3 weeks and so far i think i'm happy with the way its set up. I wish my room was bigger though cause then i'd be able to move things around so freely instead of being cramped in my room but eh its ok. I have alot of research to do and phone calls to make this next week I'm hoping i can see my friend kim this week. I haven't txt or seen her since i saw her at the store last week. Not a whole lot has been going on today was a better day than it has been in a long while. I do know that money has been a big stresser and anxiety initiator but hopefully that will get fixed. Well i'm going to go farm and finish my other online business.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Rainy Friday

The weekend is finally here and its sad its raining out. I still can't sleep and when i do i don't want to get up and on top of that i've been having strange dreams and not really sure why. I found out today that the dr i was going to go see i can't cause i owe another dr in the same building money and i can't pay them. So not really sure what will happen or if i'll get help. I went and took care of my unemployment in order to get my money this next month. i know that if i can't sleep i'll just drink energy drinks and stay up. I've already checked my emails and took care of one of my farms and did some surveys so know all i have to do is my other farm and then i really don't have much to do. My ex called me and instead of asking me questions it was all talk of nonsense stuff and all. I really don't know how i feel about him like yes i do love him and always will part of me wants to see about getting back together but part of me doesn't. But i do know i don't want to rush anything. I still don't know what i want to go to school for. Well i think i'm going to go and see what everyone else is doing and step out for a smoke.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Lazy day

*sigh*  Well its thursday and i don't feel like doing much its not like i have much to do anyways really. I'm just sitting in bed online just wanting to block out the world to dig a hole and climb in. I wish life was better, i wish i was working i wish i knew what i wanted to do in life and i feel all alone not sure who to talk to who to turn to. The only thing to comfort me is music and keeping myself busy with farmville. I'm still trying to go thru my emails so i can delete one of my accounts but its a slow process. Doing surveys are doing pretty good i have at least one account that i can redeem my points and close to getting something in another one. Well i think i'm going to finish doing what i was doing and possibly if i have something to say i'll be back.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

MIA :(

Oh wow its been forever since i blogged. A lot has happened i moved out of  the abusive environment i was in and moved back in with my parents so we have the whole family back under one roof plus one. Counseling is going good and my ex is back in my life somewhat. We talk once in awhile but i'm hoping things don't go back to the way it was. I finally got a lap top and i'm working on paying off my bed. Still looking for a job and its stressing me out cause i know unemployment won't last. Good news is i have cut back on my smoking instead of a pack a day or more i smoke a fourth to half a pack it all varies. There is alot on my mind and alot i'm not sure how to put on here. Its been depressing for me not knowing whats going to happen to me financially but i know in the end it will all work out. I'm hoping i can blog regularly. I'm hoping to work on my BOS but its not my main focus right now.