Sunday, March 4, 2012

Going Through Changes

 There as been a few pics and a song that has inspired this post. Its almost a week since the incident has happened but its interesting how when something happens and my emotions go all over the place that I can always get affirmations through quotes, pics, and my friends and family. This was in my email a few days after my ex messaged me. Over that weekend my ex J messaged me and wanted to meet. I had several chances to ignore him or tell him to get lost. Instead I encouraged him to talk to me and we set up a day to talk. Before we set up so we could see each other and talk cause he wanted it to happen that day at that minute and such and told I couldn't. I have proven to myself that I have grown and come along way since I have been dealing with him and seeing a counselor. I told him the truth. I told him that I couldn't see him that his name is tainted for the crimes he committed and I don't trust him and neither does my family. I have a list of people who have either heard or witnessed how he treated me not only as a friend but as a boyfriend. The whole list of people I have do NOT and will NOT trust him. I could argue that those people don't understand him, they don't really know him, and I could continue to make excuses. However, I have stopped making excuses, yea, I may still have hope and wish that he has changed but the reality is...the truth is...Some people do not have the power with in to change for the good. To make the changes they need to be happy for themselves. He told me he loved me and to be honest with those words there I would have fell and did as he wanted for him I didn't. I stood by the truth and told him that I may still love him but that love is and may never be the same love I felt for him when I first met him. I want it to be I really do. I know that he is one of the few "ONES" for me but that relationship is damaged and can never be fixed. It would take years and even possibly seeing a counselor to help fix it but it would never be the same. Trust and Respect as I was told are not only the foundations of any relationship but without trust you can't very well respect that person. You may respect them but the key is having trust and yet you may not have respect for them or trust them. When the absence of both trust and respect is gone which is the foundation of the relationship you want there is a faulty relationship built and it will never succeed. I could still cling on to that hope for him but it won't do me any good. We have a special connection that before he messaged me he showed up in my dreams and I haven't thought about him in a long time and he is just there. When I woke up my back started to hurt and I know medically he does have some health problems cause I feel them. I later found out that was also the morning that he came back in to town. J may have had different motives and knew that if we met that I would find the truth. Either way when I didn't hear from him and I woke up I messaged him and he said he was on his way to the hospital. I ignored everything I felt. When he told me the news I didn't question and ask what was wrong like I would normally have done but I simply answered in a way that left it to where he could have elaborated but also said that I didn't care. Since then I haven't heard back from him but I know he still thinks about me cause he has been taunting me and driving my dreams to nightmares. I will be on a search to try and break the connection or at least heavily block it from interfering with my life. 

I told my J that what he has been through is Karma showing full vengeance on him but I didn't have the heart to tell him that I don't feel sorry for him. After in a way standing me up so we could talk I don't feel sorry for him at all and he can kiss my sweet beautiful ass good bye. Often times we let our past relationships dictate our present selves. I know that because of everything my ex has put me through it triggered and made my depression worse but then also got me diagnosed with bi polar. I have grown and made changes in my life so much that I have been able to stop him from controlling me in my present. I am able to Be me and believe in myself. I am able to sit here and be able to say kind things to myself and put a smile on my face. I have made changes to who I am around and who I want to be. I have surrounded myself with friends who care and gotten back with my family who love me and want to protect me. I know that my guy is out there but its time to take care of myself and do what I want to do. That is something else that we often do. We put off what we want to please others and I have grown and changed in that area as well. I have let the inner BITCH to have a seat in upfront instead of stuffing him in the trunk to hide.  There is one more pic that I feel has inspired and also just reminds me of what should truly matter. I have also a few songs that I am posting from YouTube that has helped with this post.  

An update school has started which has been fun and stressing cause its overwhelming taking in all the information and worrying about grades. I am still trying to get used to a schedule that will allow me to get everything I want done. I will also be getting glasses which I'm uber excited :) The videos which I was going to post I am having problems with so I will post that on my random page here on blogger.