Thursday, February 14, 2013

Reflection Time

So I have gotten you all caught up on my life and given you my childhood. A minor thing about my childhood is that i was raised pentacostal christian. When i saw the psych today she said it kind of explains alot about my life now of how im wiccan/pagan, i drink, smoke, and occasionally weed.

Anywho i have been sitting here reflecting on the past week or so and thinking of the up coming weeks. My mood has been depressing ive been anxious and im always ready to snap on anyone and everyone. Im trying to quit the smoking and did really well up until today i smoked over half a pack.

Spent most of my day waiting at the psych office. They tell me to arrive early even though i did the paper work days ago. I waited 30mins to see the doc but onlybto have my vitals done. Then waited another 10mins or so to see the doc. She went over my history and then decides that i should be seen by there other faucility and then sets me up to see if im eligible for medicaid. The reason for the last was the other faucility cant see me till i have medicaid. Coming to find out i can have medicaid with medicare and all my medical expenses should be paid for. Which is awesome but im going to stick with 692 income which leaves me limited on expenses. But i can find a part time job which i have been.

I have been spending the last couple of days reevaluating not only my expenses but what im going to do. Ive been feeling strange living with my friends. Evans been giving me anxiety attacks and seems distant. Two days ago was the first time we talked for a long time and actually had a conversation and yesterday. Ive been keeping some things personal like my finances what im doing and what i plan to do. My grandma gave me advice just because someone is family or friend they dont have to know everything you do. Ive also been ticked cause a couple nights this week they have gone out and brought fastfood and never got me anything but if i was to do it it would be rude of me. Also they have smoked my two cartons of cigs and slowly sharing so another reason why i am quiting.

So much on my mind and ao glad i am able to blog it really helps.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


So here is my childhood of what i remember. At a very young age i was taught how to cook not alot of things but cook like grilled cheese and how to fold cloths. You also have to remember i was homeschooled my entire childhood as well. I was woken up at 6 most mornings i grew accustomed to it and became an early riser. But i later on fought it. My mom was there to teach me school up until about 2nd or 3rd grade from then on i had the book and was pretty much teaching myself most times when asking for help i got yelled. Along with school me and my sister had chores i would do mine but she wouldnt. When she wouldnt i was made to do them so i grew accustomed to doing her share and mine. When i finally got tired of it or slacked i got yelled at and spanked. When i got spanked from my mom she would then tell my dad who would then beat me again. No matter what i did this was the routine.
I was always the one cooking lunch dinner and most breakfasts. When my mom decided to babysit i was added to taking care of them. While most times she either watched tv or was online. This was the case everday. So i had school kids and cooking and cleaning to take care of. When i didnt do something i got in trouble.  talking with my doc and explaining this to him said that a stressful childhood like that could contribute to ptsd.

After that i also remembered my first break up that really changed me. My lover and i dated for a week and then he left me for my best friend at the time. I was really heart broken and depressed i cried for days and stayed locked in my room. I was also dealing with depression when i was 13 as well amd went to food for comfort.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Hard Knock Life

Wow its been to long amd so much going. Forgive me for any typing errs. I am doing this mobile and dont have a querty pad which i so love but i love my phone. So back in July of last year i moved in with some friends i met online. I actually met him on adam4adam and fell in love with him even though he is married and has a child. Ill call him Evans for privacy reasons E for short. I fell in love with his adorable 4 at the time daughter Nicky. His wife was pretty cool and still is. Her names Marie. We got along really well and even though i wanted more i couldnt. One because im with Josh and secondly he never saw me more as a friend his reason was he doesnt date younger guys. He is 32 and yet M is younger than him but wont argue. I was doing really well in school grades werent always A but at least i never got a C for a final grade. I got approved for disability. Ill go more in depth later. So any ways they let me move in on the condition i helped buy food check got foodstamps to help with that. Also to help take care of N and keep the house cleaned double check im pretty good with kids and i love to clean.

After staying half a month or less i told my "parents" that i was moving out and i changed my address. In august i was approved for disability for what i now know are symptoms of ptsd. You are probably asking how i got ptsd right? Well give me a second and ill explain that and if you have read my other posts you may already know. So disability was approved for my bi polar, anxiety, asthma, depression. I recieved my back pay a month or so after. I helped out with the house financially, took a road trip to see my bestest friend K in Ky, got a car and bought stuff that i needed. I never once felt used yea the thought came to mind after being told by my lover that i was being used but i would quickly forget it and didnt have a problem.

Well a week or so before christmas E's sister and best friend invited me to dinner and the day before dinner i spent the day with the best friend to help him out and while driving he tells me that my friends are using me. I told him that my family who are negative people anyways are telling me that and so is my lover and a few others agreed to. I normally have a rule if the message is repeated more than once it has to be true. So i believed him and the i talked with his sister who was asking questions about what has been going on and what all i have done for her brother. I was honest cause i try to be honest with everyone and sometimez it gets me into trouble. She said she appreciated all the stuff i havr done but she had to tell me that i was being used. So i took it to heart and instead of telling my friends how i felt i ran to my parents told them what was going on and i moved back in as quickly as i could. I didnt tell them the details i just told them that i was moving. I noticed that when faced with confrontation ill lie a little about details to make it sound like my decision is made based on a good deal i cant refuse. While i was with my parents they convinced me to block them from fb and ignore them. I secretly got ahold of E and explainex why i left. I broke my promise to talk to him when i felt used. We worked things out and told my parents i wasnt staying. They got furious and told me that if i move out im not moving back in that they are done helping me. I told them fine and left. When they said they were done helping me it was their way to say that im on my own dont call for anything we wont be there. Pretty much the only time i talk to them is when i need something cause i really have nothing to say to them. They could care less about me. Anyways i was happy that i moved back in i felt wanted not needed. Oh before i get to far my parents tried to guilt trip me in to staying cause they wanted to use me. So thingz were going good. I decided i wanted to join the gym and E started to say things i have heard growing up which brought back emotions and memories i didnt want instead of talking to him about it i hit him well the second time i did he went off on me threw his plate at me cut my ear and threatened my life. The next day i was still hurt emotionally and distanced myself he got an attitude we had another fight but worked thru it. Things are going good for the most part but i feel like he has distanced himself a little and it could be im imagining things.

As far as family is concerned my friends are my family and that is all i have. Tax time is here and my parents want my info to claim my schooling and i wont give it to them. Last nite i took a stand i will not be treated like cinderella nor matilda. I will not be guilt tripped into doing what other people want me to do. I have my bill of rights i am not afraid to use them. So today is official my parents have excommunicated me or ive excommunicated them. They are highly upset cause i wont give them what they want and they wont give me what i want. I spoke the truth and my mind. I have ptsd mainly because of my mother and the way i was treated. I may post tomorrow my childhood.  i feel better now that i spoke my mind.