Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Hard Knock Life

Wow its been to long amd so much going. Forgive me for any typing errs. I am doing this mobile and dont have a querty pad which i so love but i love my phone. So back in July of last year i moved in with some friends i met online. I actually met him on adam4adam and fell in love with him even though he is married and has a child. Ill call him Evans for privacy reasons E for short. I fell in love with his adorable 4 at the time daughter Nicky. His wife was pretty cool and still is. Her names Marie. We got along really well and even though i wanted more i couldnt. One because im with Josh and secondly he never saw me more as a friend his reason was he doesnt date younger guys. He is 32 and yet M is younger than him but wont argue. I was doing really well in school grades werent always A but at least i never got a C for a final grade. I got approved for disability. Ill go more in depth later. So any ways they let me move in on the condition i helped buy food check got foodstamps to help with that. Also to help take care of N and keep the house cleaned double check im pretty good with kids and i love to clean.

After staying half a month or less i told my "parents" that i was moving out and i changed my address. In august i was approved for disability for what i now know are symptoms of ptsd. You are probably asking how i got ptsd right? Well give me a second and ill explain that and if you have read my other posts you may already know. So disability was approved for my bi polar, anxiety, asthma, depression. I recieved my back pay a month or so after. I helped out with the house financially, took a road trip to see my bestest friend K in Ky, got a car and bought stuff that i needed. I never once felt used yea the thought came to mind after being told by my lover that i was being used but i would quickly forget it and didnt have a problem.

Well a week or so before christmas E's sister and best friend invited me to dinner and the day before dinner i spent the day with the best friend to help him out and while driving he tells me that my friends are using me. I told him that my family who are negative people anyways are telling me that and so is my lover and a few others agreed to. I normally have a rule if the message is repeated more than once it has to be true. So i believed him and the i talked with his sister who was asking questions about what has been going on and what all i have done for her brother. I was honest cause i try to be honest with everyone and sometimez it gets me into trouble. She said she appreciated all the stuff i havr done but she had to tell me that i was being used. So i took it to heart and instead of telling my friends how i felt i ran to my parents told them what was going on and i moved back in as quickly as i could. I didnt tell them the details i just told them that i was moving. I noticed that when faced with confrontation ill lie a little about details to make it sound like my decision is made based on a good deal i cant refuse. While i was with my parents they convinced me to block them from fb and ignore them. I secretly got ahold of E and explainex why i left. I broke my promise to talk to him when i felt used. We worked things out and told my parents i wasnt staying. They got furious and told me that if i move out im not moving back in that they are done helping me. I told them fine and left. When they said they were done helping me it was their way to say that im on my own dont call for anything we wont be there. Pretty much the only time i talk to them is when i need something cause i really have nothing to say to them. They could care less about me. Anyways i was happy that i moved back in i felt wanted not needed. Oh before i get to far my parents tried to guilt trip me in to staying cause they wanted to use me. So thingz were going good. I decided i wanted to join the gym and E started to say things i have heard growing up which brought back emotions and memories i didnt want instead of talking to him about it i hit him well the second time i did he went off on me threw his plate at me cut my ear and threatened my life. The next day i was still hurt emotionally and distanced myself he got an attitude we had another fight but worked thru it. Things are going good for the most part but i feel like he has distanced himself a little and it could be im imagining things.

As far as family is concerned my friends are my family and that is all i have. Tax time is here and my parents want my info to claim my schooling and i wont give it to them. Last nite i took a stand i will not be treated like cinderella nor matilda. I will not be guilt tripped into doing what other people want me to do. I have my bill of rights i am not afraid to use them. So today is official my parents have excommunicated me or ive excommunicated them. They are highly upset cause i wont give them what they want and they wont give me what i want. I spoke the truth and my mind. I have ptsd mainly because of my mother and the way i was treated. I may post tomorrow my childhood.  i feel better now that i spoke my mind. 

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